23 October 2003

Overloaded

I have about a dozen journal entries in various stages of completeness, and am becoming obsessive-compulsive about editing them. I have a hundred things to do around the house, like cleaning my refrigerator out and changing light bulbs in the overhead light in my kitchen, but I always forget to buy the paper towels and the right light bulbs when I am at the grocery store. I have a billion articles of clothing to sort through and either toss or give to Good Will, but I�m so preoccupied with cleaning and laundry, I never get to it.

In short, I feel like I am that person in the movie, running after the bus and reaching out her arm, barely grabbing onto the handle as I realize I can�t keep up. The bus drives away, leaving me behind, gasping for breath and alone.

Julie covered this feeling, a little anyway, recently. I feel like I can�t get it all done and I wonder if anyone really can without help. For those of us who have little mad money to part with each month, and who are single, there�s really no one around who can help and no way to buy our way out of the Upkeep Rut.

I chalk my being overloaded up to work. I wake at 6am every day, am in my car by 7:30, at work at 9am, and home from work at 7:30pm. Some days there�s grocery shopping to be done, or laundry, or cleaning up after the cats, bill paying time, some online time and then it�s time for bed. I repeat the cycle until the weekend comes and, if I am lucky, I can sleep in one or two days and get some time to myself.

I�ve got this potential new job thing happening that I will hear the final word on next week. If that comes through it will lessen the amount of time devoted to �work� each day, as the commute will be more reasonable, but will that do it for me? Will one simple change in my life make me more Wonder Woman and less God My Apartment And Life Is A Mess Woman? I hope so. I doubt it.

I�m not depressed about it, or really obsessing about it. I�m just...tired. On top of the day-to-day crap � I have a wedding I am in, and family crap going on, and doctor�s appointments that need to happen, and my car that needs attention, and Thanksgiving at my place to clean for and plan for and set up and friends and whatnot in my life that all need and deserve their time in the spotlight.

I guess I just feel like I am doing absolutely everything in my life, lately, in a half-assed way. This journal is at the top of that list, right behind laundry and cleaning.

So please, dear readers (heh, I said that like I have more than 5 people who come here every day), stay tuned. I have some things I want to share. I have two great weekends in New York City I want to tell you all about, one where I met some adorable online friends and hopefully showed them a good time and one where I met Hugh Jackman and Scott Foley (didn't show them a good time, though I would love to) and had too much wine with dinner. I want to tell you about the Yankees, and how World Series time reminds me of Saturdays with my dad. There�s an entry about my mom that needs to be written, and one about how I fear my brother and I will never truly be close again. There�s so much to say about trips to Wisconsin, Key West, London and Montreal. I�ve got a lot to say.

It all has to wait until I watch the bus pull away and I manage to catch a cab that will take me home where I can rest and get my thoughts together.