30 October 2003

A Few Regrets

Well, it�s done. I resigned from my Current Job this week, gave them the requisite notice, and have set my start date with the New Job. I�m excited and nervous about the New Job, which I suppose is normal. One thing I hadn�t counted on, though, was the emotional weirdness I am going through in my last two weeks with the Current Job.

I was reasonably sure by my second week at the Current Job that it was not going to be a long term gig, and therefore I tried my best to not get attached to the people that filled my day. Now I am overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and sadness at the thought of leaving them. It�s completely unexpected for me to feel this way. The tears shed by a few of my colleagues when they found out I was leaving, and the calls between my boss and me that have a tone of regret and sadness to them have caused me to question my decision.

I feel like I broke off a relationship with a guy that I only went out with for a few relatively pleasant dates. I�m wondering if I may be letting a really good thing go because I was not able to emotionally invest myself in it. I�ve considered that a long and healthy relationship could have resulted if I had worked harder.

In reality, the only good things about the Current Job were my boss and a handful of colleagues. The actual work I do is standard fare and is what I will do at the New Job, so that�s okay, too. Pretty much everything else was horrible. At the top of the list of �horrible� was the fact that I felt underappreciated and rarely got any feedback on how I was doing. My announcing my departure has lead to many people sharing with me how much I was respected, liked and admired. Had I known that, would my decision have been different? Would I have sought out another job, or would I have thrown myself into my job a little more and tried to make it work? I don�t know.

I do know that the New Job is better in many ways, on paper, than the Current Job. I also know that I may get there and find out that I am working with a group of mental midgets, emotional idiots and political back-stabbers. In a perfect world I�d be able to load up Dru�s Ark with my favorite people from the Current Job and take them with me on my new adventure. That wasn�t part of my offer package, though, so I am guessing that�s out ... and most of the people I adore live too far from where the New Job is anyway.

Am I afraid of the unknown of the new experience or of the reality that I may have sabotaged the current one myself? I don�t know.

In a week�s time I�ll be cleaning my desk out and heading home for a week of rest before I start working again. I�m sure all of this is just nerves talking. Most likely I made the right decision for me for right now. I just hope I didn�t make the wrong decision last April when I decided to close myself off and start looking for a way out.