02 November 2003

What Do You Truly Know?

I got a call from a good friend last night. The news he delivered could not have been worse, in my opinion: one of our mutual friends has been arrested and the charges against him are unbelievably heinous. As we both sat there on the phone, neither of us could speak. I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs. There are no words for what I am feeling about this.

If he is guilty of what they say he did, I hope to never see him or speak to him again and I hope he has quite a long time in his tiny, cinder block and steel room to think about what he�s done. If he is not guilty, and I cannot imagine that�s the case, I hope he comes home and is able to return his life to normal and I will apologize to him for immediately assuming the worst.

My first reaction, and what I said on the phone was, �People I know don�t do things like this.� I�ve known plenty of people who�ve had bad things happen to them. I�ve known people who were raped, people who have had a murder, robbery or assault occur in their lives. I�ve seen how terrorism impacts someone�s life directly because of the loss of a family member from a plane crash. Living as close as I do to NYC, I�ve known many who were directly impacted by 9/11.

I�ve known victims, and I�ve been one, but I�ve never known the �Bad Guy� until now. At least, that�s what I think. Now I�m not so sure.

When I say that this guy was a close friend, I would be understating things. We�ve known each other for eight years. He has stayed in my home. He has spent time alone with my family, my friends and my friend�s children. I would have trusted him with a credit card, my car, my home, my pets and my life. I realize now how lucky we all were, our close-knit group of friends, that nothing ever happened to us and how trusting we were of someone who did not always have the best of intentions.

This is a guy who went to church every Sunday, volunteered his time doing animal rehabilitation and went out of his way to help his friends when they needed him. Of course, he has had his issues, and after his DWI he stopped drinking entirely and seemed to start a whole new life for himself, one where he worked, went back to college and spent time with his girlfriend and his family.

It was all an act, I suppose, the good boy who seemed moral and kind and hardworking. It makes me wonder how many other people that I�ve known for years are putting on an act. How much do I really know about the character of those I call friends?

Most of the people in my life I�ve known for at least a decade, if not more. I know their parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, where they vacationed every summer as children, who they lost their virginity to and how many speeding tickets they have under their belt. I�ve gone to their family weddings and funerals and baby showers. These people, even this guy, aren�t just bar buddies or people I met at work. We�re all truly close. My mother has hugged them all. My father has chatted with them about football. My brother has shared a joke or two with them.

I�m quite close with his family, and I am good friends with his sister as well. According to a close friend who knows the entire family quite well, they have withdrawn from everyone in an effort, I suppose, to deal with all of this privately. I�ve sent an e-mail to his sister and would love to call his parents and offer my support for them and the rest of their family. Truthfully, though, I would have no idea what to say. I could tell them that I am sorry, and that I will help them if I can, but I�m sure they are so ashamed and scared, they would be uncomfortable talking to me.

I�m still kind of numb, and will be, I am sure, for many days. For now I just needed to get it all off my chest and see what it looks like on paper. It�s only now, I suppose, that I can start figuring out what this all means. I suppose I can cry now, too.